Online course Nature based coaching - Lesson 5
Session 3
What is holding you back?
In this lesson we will teach you all you need to know about the 3rd session of the coaching trajectory in which you will explore what is keeping your client from moving forward.
We start with a written overview of all 10 steps you need to take and we will end this lesson with a video of the live movie recordings of this session. After studying all this material you can do your third live practise with your fellow student and/or your 3rd session with your try-out client.
Facing our fear
When we don’t live our fullest potential, when we hold back, and when we don’t dare to fully engage in our deepest desire, this is always out of a fear of rejection. That fear is old and often deeply rooted. It finds its origin in our childhood, where our needs weren’t always met. That was painful and it’s that pain that we’re constantly trying to protect. We do this by making ourselves dependable on our environment. By pleasing. By being nice. By putting other people's needs above our own. By being invisible. In the past, as a child it was effective in order to literally survive, now in our adult lives it only works against us.
Most people are familiar with this fact. If this is completely new to your client, you want to recommend reading some books of Brene Brown first, before continuing with this 3rd session. Understanding that they’re protecting themselves from rejection must be clear and tangible.
You can also not continue if the client keeps thinking the outside world is causing the problem. In that case it is better to refer to a therapist.
Symbolic work forms
- Making a structure of obstacles
- The sword of the warrior
In this session we ask our client to make a structure of obstacles. Through this structure we invite the client to investigate all the things that keep them from moving forward. Aim: to gain full insight into the client’s underlaying fears.
We also invite the client to perform a symbolic act: The sword of the warrior. During this act, the client states a cles YES towards their desire and a clear NO to the holding back. By including the body, the act wil be deeply anchored.
Start session 3
Step 1: Walking meditation
Step 2: Recall most important insights of the previous session
Always start the session by asking how the previous session affected them.
- How did it go afterwards?
- What are the most important insights you remember?
- Are there any questions at this moment?
Step 3: A structure of obstacles
Ask your client all the possible reasons that prevent them from progressing in realising their wish. Let them build a structure of loose natural elements that represent those obstacles. The structure can be quite large and monstrous.
Step 4: Researching the structure
Remember how we explored the still life in the first session. Follow the same basic steps:
- Let the client explain what the different symbols represent.
- Invite to specify the answers. Like:
- Can you give me an example?
- What would you be doing exactly?
- Summarize all you've heard and explore priorly unmentioned details.
- Ask your client how it feels to look at the structure. Don't forget to allow some time here.
Attention!
At this stage we are merely observing in order to become aware of what is there. You can also see it as gathering the facts and confirming these facts, by saying them out loud. This creates clarity, and by turning these facts into neutral truths, they become bearable.
In this phase we aren’t looking for a solution. The question: What do you need to... is NOT yet addressed!
Step 5: What is the biggest obstacle?
Finalise the exercise with the following questions:
- Summarize all the insights.
- What is the biggest obstacle?
- Which fear is attached to it? What are you afraid of?
Question 3 may seem suggestive. However, here rely on the natural fact that when things flow smoothly, this happens from a place of trust. From that point of view, when you encounter resistance or obstacles, this always comes from a place of fear. Very simply put: we constantly move between fear and trust. When life flows smoothly, then there’s trust, when there’s resistance, then there’s fear.
Step 6: Exploring the effects of the underlying fear
Discuss the consequence of the underlying fear, by for instance, asking the following questions (you can do this while walking if you like):
- This fear keeps you from being fully engaged in realising your wish. What are the consequences of this?
- How does this affect your behaviour? What does this make you do, or what does this prevent you from doing? What are you protecting?
- How does this affect your wellbeing, health, mood?
- In what way does this affect your relationships?
- Is the fear realistic?
- What could happen in the worst scenario?
- Can you bare that?
- And what would change if this fear didn’t exist?
Finalise this step by letting the client summarise all the insights.
Focus points:
- Make sure that you acknowledge all answers as neutral facts. This is how it is. We are exploring the facts. We’re still not looking for a solution. Nothing needs to be any different than it is in that moment.
- Regularly share in your own words what you’ve Check the facts.
- Dare to slow down and allow space for
- Pay attention to where there is underlying judgement in your coaching and how that is noticeable in your choice of words. You can notice something as a fact (you see that a client has an evasive attitude towards a certain situation), that's completely OK, but as soon as you think something of it (you think it's better if they wouldn’t, or you think that they should be feeling instead of talking) then you off track! This can occur in subtle ways, like for example: But look at the structure. What do you see there? (The client can sense your judgement here). Avoid these words! It is better to say: Let's take another look at the structure. What do you see there?
Step 7: Acknowledging and embracing the fear
This is the moment where life invites you to let go of the protective layers, investigate your fears and embrace them. Life asks you to grow up and stand for what you really want.
- Ask your client to close their eyes and to slowly breathe in and out a few
- Then ask: if you think about realising your wish. What’s your deepest fear concerning this?
- Where can you feel it in your body?
- Ask the client to place their hand on that area and to allow it to be true: : I am afraid of…
- Encourage them to keep breathing slowly.
- Give it back in your own words: so, I understand the you are deeply afraid of… And that you feel that in...
- Can you look at this fear with compassion?
- Bring a sense of calm to your coaching here! Don’t be afraid to allow for silent moments.
Step 8: Choosing clearly
Ask: are you willing to not let yourself be numbed by this fear? It doesn’t need to disappear, we can observe it lovingly.
When there’s a clear YES you can move forward to the next exercise.
We have come to a very important turning point in the coaching trajectory. You client has realised what fear has been keeping them from moving towards what they so dearly want. They also feel a strong determination, to overcome this fear. They really want to move forward, no matter what.
To solidify this choice, you can either choose to let them do a symbolic act, or have them express an affirmation out loud to strengthen their choice. For instance: I move forward in trust. Or: I honor my longing for…. Or: I stand in my truth.
Step 9: Symbolic Act - The sword of the warrior
- Ask the client to repeat their wish once again
- Come standing on a path and let the client choose which direction points to the future and which which represents the past.
- Give back: So, there is a desire to… And there is a fear for… that prevents you from realising that desire.
- Suppose that the fear will still be there, but you will not be restrained by it.
- Which part of yourself will you then embrace with a full on YES?
- And to which behaviour, which protection mechanism are you going to say NO or STOP to?
Attention: You are not saying no to the fear itself (it’s simply there), but to the behaviour that is caused by that fear (adapting, working extremely hard, restraining, etc)
Prepare for this with the following questions:
- Are you willing to fully embrace your desire? Even if this is scary?
- Are you also willing to say no (or stop) to…?
Show your client how the symbolic act works.
- Invite the client to make a gesture like a cutting sword (in the direction of the past) where they say STOP or NO to out loud. (let there be a moment of silence after this).
- Invite the client to make the same gesture (towards the future) where they say YES out loud while physically taking a step in the direction of their desire.
Attention: This is a ritual exercise, few words are needed here. Refrain from coaching here, instead, simply guide the ritual.
Focus point
Does the client stay stuck with the question: But how do I get there then? Reassure them by saying that we will look at that extensively in a later session. For now, it’s about the willingness to at least start taking steps.
This physical symbolic act is an important anchor in the process. This is the turning point in the trajectory. From now on we are moving forward!
Step 10: Completing
Complete the session by summarising the most important insights from this entire session.
Summary of this session’s layout:
- Discussing the still life of their obstacles
- Summarising and expressing the underlying fears
- Expressing the consequences of their fear (obstructive behaviour)
- Embracing fears (acknowledging them in peace)
- Choosing clearly with an affirmation or the gesture of the warrior: Saying Yes & No
